It has been a while since my last post. Over the last few months, I just haven’t had the “energy” to write nor enough desire to even want to. I felt like I was putting too much pressure on myself to meet my own deadlines. I thought, maybe instead of posting twice a week, I will do it once a week. Eventually I convinced myself that reducing the posts to once a week will ease some of the pressure I was feeling. Around February, I decided to go ahead and cut me some slack and not post anything the week following my birthday. I called it my birthday break. I needed it. I earned it. I deserved it. The week turned into weeks that turned to a full month that turned into several months.
Last July, I decided to regain my health and went on Alternate Day Fasting (ADF). By September, I had lost 22 lbs. Boy did I feel great! It was the thinnest I had been in over a decade. October rolled around, I saw a post of lechon (Filipino roasted pig). It looked so good but it was my day to fast. I fought and fought in my head. Do I? Should I? No? Yes? After less than an hour of inner struggle, I convinced myself that it was okay to break my fast prematurely. Just this once. I mean, I wasn’t going to gain back 22 lbs. by eating lechon just this once. I’ll just go ahead and fast the next day. Unbeknownst to me, giving in to the lechon was the precursor of my weight loss downfall. I lost control and by November, I decided to go through the Holidays unrestricted on my diet. I needed it. I earned it. I deserved it. I’ll get back on it come January. January rolled in, then February, and now it’s June. I have tried and tried to get back on ADF and the longest I have lasted had been 2 weeks. I have tried other approaches as well (Vivri shakes, 16:8, keto) and I just can’t get myself back to it.
What have I not given up on? Or lost energy for? My work. Like clock work. 7:30AM – 5:30 PM, Monday through Friday. Why? Is it because I love my job? Is it because the bills have to be paid and I can’t lose my job? Yes and YES! There’s something to be said about finding out if something works or doesn’t work instantaneously and being reassured regularly that I am good at it. I don’t have to second guess myself or doubt my abilities at work. It’s like I know I am good at it and I know I got it. It’s the most predictable aspect of my life which is very ironic because my work itself isn’t predictable. I never know what I’ll walk into or what cards I will be dealt with from one day to another. But again, I know I can do it and do it well.
I also have not given up on housekeeping (the literal kind). Why? Because at my laziest, I manage to force myself to do it. I can’t stand mess and a messy house stresses me. But, I am lucky too that my entire family (yes, even Aiden) helps me especially on those days where I just feel so exhausted and drained.
Either by nature or it was nurtured, I am an over achiever… a perfectionist… I am someone who puts the highest pressure on myself. I fear failure. I dread disappointing others and under delivering on expectations. And in the order of what needs to be accomplished – providing for my family and fulfilling my obligations at work are above all else. I definitely want my writing and my self-image to rise to the same level but I am still figuring out how to do it. At the end, I guess – I never want to disappoint others and I have become okay with disappointing myself.
But, to count my blessings and look at the silver lining of what I am going through – losing weight and writing have now become just a really personal journey. I do it (if and when I do) for me now, no longer for others.
Aiden wrote and drew this image. It’s a perfect representation of this post.
Oh my Aiden, my thought exactly.
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